A post with no conclusion

It is pretty late now in view that tomorrow is still a working day. I just don't like to go bed with a heavy heart, so it explains why I am still here now picking up my super underuse blog instead of watching my Korean dramas.

I am feeling sad now. Why? Because I did something wrong at work. A series of thing wrong recently. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am the kind of person who like to find fault on others but will never want anyone to find faults on me. Since young I always do my homework and hand in on time, all the way to my university, although I am never the top students, I never fail to submit any report or do any assignment half-heartedly. I always try my 60% so that I will never regret. 

Things change as I start to work and into my second job. I realized this 60% doesn't work anymore! I need more! more and more. My ego get broken into pieces when I know my 60% has made myself making stupid mistakes. I have to put in more, more and more. But instead of becoming motivated, I felt smaller, I just can't solve the problem with myself. I am just praying to turn back time or someone can just solve it for me then I can just restart and do better next time. But this will never never happen.  

I don't know why I am so sad. Maybe I am just disappointed to realize I am a 60% kind. I always thought I am a smart girl, not academically, but street smart and creative. Now I really have to admit I am not but just another lazy simple girl. Look at that ukulele that is left untouched for almost a year, I always wanted to learn but I never put in any effort. This is me. It's painful to find out what kind of person I really am, but I am afraid to share with anybody because I don't want any judging or beautiful words on top the table.

I even have the intention to quit just now because I cannot face my failure. Instead of taking it as a lesson, I use it as an excuse to escape. I even took out my resume and started to update. But is this the way? I am ashamed of my weakling side.

This is a post with no meaning at all because my mind is all in a mess and I don't know how to fix it up. I am just pouring everything out. Hope I can form some direction in my next post.

Extra Tire

I have opened an online store selling pets apparels and accessories since last year.
Biz is so-so, because I really have not enough time to concentrate on the marketing and biz strategies.
I totally understand the importance of MARKETING, esp when mine is an online stall. People likes to look at nice stuffs. Who will visit your stall when there is no updates and the website looks like shit. I don't means mine look like shit, but I totally lack the frequent updates part and the website is not informative and attactive enough.

From the bottom of my heart, I know I need to put in extra hardwork.
My boy who is also my business partner takes care of the finances, re-stocking, delivery, after-sales service parts, whereas me is the online marketing. One task but is enough for me to die. From pictures editing to html to copywriting, the amount of work is scary. Especially for me, I have that lazy bone in me which i can never get rid of. I needa sleep, rest and watch TV no matter what. I am a workaholic, but I also have the other extreme side of me as a lazy bum.

I finally put up my mind together and decided to re-do a new blogshop for my stall.
With only myself to work with and my limited photoshop and html skills, this is a great great great challenge for me. Because I need to work during the day and my workplace is bloody far, I can only concentrate to work on my blog during the night. I totally look like a panda now.

My old and broken body is not like the past, when I can rush through sleepless nights to get my assignments done in school. Old auntie me no sleep will die.

Ok, that's all for today I tell myself.
I am going to off my laptop and melt myself into my bed. 12am might sounds early but a few nights of after midnight with work after that is tiring. No like no like no like. Well.... nothing to complain about, because I choose to start this mini business and I am blessed to have my boy supporting me in term of financial and labour work. I will continue to work hard! Will showcase my master piece when ready. For now... if you are interested to know what I am doing.... Please make yourself home at our Facebook Fanpage!

Ciao!

Your path my path?

I just changed my job not long ago, and I just passed my 3 months probation. I hope I can get more new stuffs to do, and keeps on learning.

Since 2 years back, when I am out of university, 'what are you working as now?' seems to be the top hit question from anyone. Other than the 'When are you getting married?' question, which is always posted by relatives.

My answer is never clear, even till now. The clear-cut answers are banker, banking, teaching, sales, marketing blah blah blah. These answers are the best because they got the idea straight away and will stop there. Because I cannot give a good answer, the conversation tends to go on and on until to the extend I don't even get what I am talking about. Anyway, my major in the university is already not self-explanatory, I always need to explain what I am studying and what I can become in the future. End of story, then they start doubting if there is any 'qian tu' after the course.

I don't know how to give a clear answer anyway, and I don't like to explain so much too. So... all up to their imagination. Anyway, who will really care right?

Home Holiday with Mochi

My bad, I haven been blogging for a while. 

I tend to get lazy when I blog for myself, because I dont see the reason of spending efforts to write down my thoughts and post the pictures when no one is actually reading except myself. This is very negative, I told myself I shouldnt think this way. I should be bless that I have this personal space to actually rant and share my daily details. Even if I am the only one who actually cares, I will be appreciative a few years down the road when I have this blog which records my life and reminds me the events and people that I forgot. I had a blog long time ago, during my secondary school. I spent a lot of effort doing up the blogskin and I blogged about every boring details in my life, including my daily outfits. During that time, there is no ulzzang, not much online shopping, bonito is not popular, eye liner is harder than Chinese calligraphy. Outfit of the day is just about Tshirt, bell bottom jeans, Converse knickers and Giordano. I got sicked of blogging eventually, the blog got rusty, and I deleted it in the end. I regretted it totally, I don't know whats wrong with my mind that I actually deleted it. It was my logbook of youths. 

I think I should keep my blog now, so that I have something to laugh about when I am 30.

Mummy and daddy were off holiday the past few days, Mochi and myself were given the duty to look after the door. My sister also came to accompany us. I spent my weekend home. I am proud actually, because I managed to take super good care of mochi and myself, and we had a great time with my sister.

Mochi is having some skin inflection again, her skin has been pinkish recently. She gets allergy easily through food and dust. I brought her to the vet on Sat and skipped her grooming appointment on Sunday because I think should wait to cure the wounds first. So now she is technically like a messy polar bear now. She is always like a baby when we are at the vet, damn cute. I must also praise her for being such a good girl in public, esp at the Vet. (I think she is afraid that's why) Anyway~~ She is really a good girl, siting on my laps, observing the other dogs but she never once bark at other dogs. (Good girl)

Mochi is good with medication now, she has to go back for another round of checkup 2-3 weeks later. 

Sister met us after the visiting and we went Doggiestyle Cafe at Nex after that. There was some kind of pups gathering that day, rather crowded. Mochi is rather shy with so many New friends, so she got stunned when we put her on the floor when her new friends got 'over friendly' with her. She simply freaked out. So we had to put her on the table, then she did her past time. Observing the other dogs. 

Order an yogurt ice cream for her. 

We are rather strict to her diet because she is too prone on skin allergy. I don't like to take risk on this. So it is really 'Happy new year' to her she gets such good food. She is enjoying to the max. 

Her fur is too long! Think she is tasting her own fur half of the time.

This is my sister with Mochi. She is like my mum bias to Mochi. Tehee

They always say Mochi is the cutest dog in the world. No matter how smelly she is, she is still clean. Hahaa! Not very logical. 

Mochi and me. We are the best friend in the world. She gets annoying at times, but i give in whenever i see her pairs of watery puppy eyes, as if i just took her toy. 'Ok, you win'

Mochi is on her 3rd day medication now. I hope to see her recover soon so that I can officially remove her cone. She really look like a moving light bulb and I can't stop happy. I think she knew I am laughing at her so I made it up by telling her 'nice nice, Pretty Girl girl.' She feels better... hahaa! GIRLSSsss 

She will be so happy when I tell her mummy and daddy is coming back tonight. I am keeping the good news from her so that she won't get overly excited and tear my house down. 

Panic attacks

Panic attack is a sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear. It is also quite common these days. I only came to know about this term a while ago and I went to google about it.  Panic attack can happen when an unhappy event triggered the knot, or for no reason. It built up overtime. You can’t track it, you can’t tell when it is coming. It feels like heart attack, the whole body and soul got so tense up to the point you thought you are dying.

I had panic attack twice in my life. I just got to know it is call ‘panic attack’ after I googled it.

They happened when I was really young. I was 11 year old, Primary 5 then. I was a quiet student, my results weren’t fantastic but I never fail. My English Language was poor, but I still passed. My form teacher was a very fierce lady. I don’t remember when I ever stepped onto her tail, she disliked me, find fault with me.

There was once I forgotten to buy my homework, but I swear I really did my homework. She wanted those who forgot the homework to stay back after school to complete it. I told her nicely, said I really left it at home, I can run home after school to get it. I stayed a 10min walk from the school anyway. Moreover, it was my first time, I always submit my work on time. But she didn’t believe me. I can’t remember word by word but she mentioned ‘excuses’, ‘dishonest’ and no. I was just 11 then right? There was also another incident; I remember for life. She was scolding the whole class about some maths questions. Everyone stopped work and look at her which she went crazy scolding the class. I did too. I looked at her, and suddenly she stared at me. I was shocked so I looked away immediately, but I thought, why should I be afraid and look away? Well.. everyone in the class were at fault technically. So I raised my head and looked back at her. Her stare was very scary, so fierce, I tried very hard to maintain the eye contact. Then she said, loudly to the class. ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ without mentioning any name, and in a very fierce tone. I looked away again, I lost.

I was 11 then, I was a band 1 student for maths.

A few unhappy incidents happened again and I started to develop this fear going school. Other than Maths, she also taught my class English and Science. So technically, I almost see her whole day, everyday. I got really scare to go school. I started crying at night, because morning was so near. I can’t sleep at night. I didn’t dare to step out of the house in the morning but I was also didn’t dare to skip school. I pretend to be sick, mc, but it can’t last for long. I don’t dare to tell my parents or my friends. My family knew I don’t dare to go school but I didn’t mention anything about my teacher. They even thought I got targeted by some ‘dirty thing’. I need people to be around me. But both my parents work and my sister was in Polytechnic, so most of the time I was left alone at home. There are times when I got so afraid alone at home, I cried and screamed and collapsed on the floor, I feel like dying, I thought I was going to jump down from the kitchen window. Yes, this was my first panic attack. Nothing happened in the end because I got alright after a while, but I don’t know how long do I actually laid on the floor.

I recovered a few months later, I don’t know how it happened. Maybe I got used to the scary teacher. Then I got posted to another class in Primary 6, and I also changed my form teacher.

The second time was scarier. I lost part of the memories that happened during the incident. I think my brain was rejecting the images, filtering my thoughts.

I was 12 year old then, primary 6. I was going home after my CCA, it was around 5.30pm, sunny day. I was in my uniform, same school bag, carrying my ring file and water bottle. I was reaching my block and I realized someone following me. I didn’t think much that time, but he got too close and made me feel uneasy. At that moment, I just want to go home quickly. So I speeded up, he did too. I should have gone to my usual econ mini mart and tell the uncle, but I was so lost. Instead, I went to the lift, my block, and he hopped in too. I was so afraid that moment, I can just go out of the lift but I didn’t. Just on time, an aunite got into the same lift, I thought I was saved. But that auntie alighted at the 5^th floor when I was going to the 8^th. I got another chance to escape by getting out the lift at 5^th floor, but I didn’t. At that moment, I just want to go home and shut the door, I can’t think anymore.

The lift opened at 8^th. I speeded up, wanting to run out of the lift, but before I can go, he got hold of me from the back. His elbow gripped my neck and the other hand holding a penknift pointing at my face. My memories stopped here, the rest were just bits and pieces. I remembered myself holding my ring file tightly, my water bottle flew away, I got push to the ground, he was much stronger than me, he was fat, dark, white uniform, he wanted to kiss me, he told me I was cute, I tried to get away but I cannot. I shouted for help. I shouted for a long time. No one came. Then finally an auntie heard me and came out of her house, that person then ran away. Nothing happened to me in the end, he didn’t get what he wanted, but I got myself a half fractured arms. I don’t know what I did, I can’t lift up my arm after the incident. Went to the police post and doctor after that.

After the incident, I became to fear human, especially men. I don’t dare to get out of the house alone. I don’t dare to go home after school, so my poor dad had to fetch me everyday. I always thought someone was following me. I don’t wear shorts. I wrapped myself up. I can’t take it when strangers or people I don’t really know got too close to me, even until now. I can’t stay long in an enclose space. I can’t stay still in a dark room, even until now.

Same thing happened, I was always alone at home. I was so afraid at home, I cried, screamed. I thought someone is going to knock down my door and carry me away. I was afraid of that person in white. I thought people were watching me. I collapsed again. I cannot control my emotion, I thought I was going to die, I thought I was going to jump from the kitchen window again. Ya, second panic attack. But I survived through.

In conclusion, there is nothing to learn from this post. I am just using this platform to share my experience. I had never told anyone in details before. Because this makes me feel like a weakling. But I started to use a different point to look at it. I analysed my attacks, so I learn a bit more about myself, my threshold. To better control my emotions. Learn to prevent the 3^rd attacks. This is the growing stages right?   

A couple I know

How do we define couples?
To me, as long as both parties agreed to be together, they are a couple. We do not set a level to how we define a couple. There is no limit to how much they must love each other or a guideline to separate the type of love they give to qualify as one.

Couples always give me a no reason kind of sweetness. I think is from their main ingredient - Love.

I know a couple. They are both consider young for a married couple. No, not shotgun, not from rich families., not kids crazy, not sick.
So I ask why. Of cos I didn't ask them personally.
I am curious to know why.

They met many years ago, but they waited a few years before they reunion and finally together. They dated a few years and the wedding bell popped out last year (or the year before??).
Now, they have a roof of their own, with a pet dog. (I think they are financially healthy.)
They house is nicely renovated and decorated, totally theirs.

They always stick together, married or not. They are always like living in their own bubble. The world has only both of them, their eyes only on each other. I often bumped to them on the street, but they are always too engross in their own space and missed me. Anyway, I also dont feel good popping their bubble for my 'hello'.
Last time, I will comment. 'Is there no one else in their world? Aren't they bored facing each other everyday?' I always think that we need to go out and meet new people, new places, new stuffs, especially at that golden age, the more we should lead the most happening part of our life.

Now, I have also passed that youngest, exciting and happening stage of life.
Then, I finally understand why they can stay in their bubble till now. Nothing else. 'LOVE'

They reached that ultimate phrase of life that so many of us actually longed to get. Although they are pretty young at that point, but they made the decision to keep each other. Because at they point of time, despite being young, they understand how the other halves can fill the holes and made them complete. Because they knew they found the right one, what's in the past, what's going on now, what's coming next, are not importance anymore when they are already holding on to the best gift they can ever get. There is nothing worst than not able to see each other when it only 15min apart. They are interlocked, and they created the bubble, just for the both of them, to express their love publicly, proudly.

Thank you for appearing in my life. I hope your unlimited love can  be spread to others around too, like myself. Life is getting practical now and sad to know that we are also losing the true definition of love. Many of us actually finds it hard to 'love'. I agreed that love is hard to find and meet but I dont agree with hard to love because it is very simple when the person is right.

So keep searching, never give up. You won't know, maybe that moment is appearing at the next minute.