Panic attacks

Panic attack is a sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear. It is also quite common these days. I only came to know about this term a while ago and I went to google about it.  Panic attack can happen when an unhappy event triggered the knot, or for no reason. It built up overtime. You can’t track it, you can’t tell when it is coming. It feels like heart attack, the whole body and soul got so tense up to the point you thought you are dying.

I had panic attack twice in my life. I just got to know it is call ‘panic attack’ after I googled it.

They happened when I was really young. I was 11 year old, Primary 5 then. I was a quiet student, my results weren’t fantastic but I never fail. My English Language was poor, but I still passed. My form teacher was a very fierce lady. I don’t remember when I ever stepped onto her tail, she disliked me, find fault with me.

There was once I forgotten to buy my homework, but I swear I really did my homework. She wanted those who forgot the homework to stay back after school to complete it. I told her nicely, said I really left it at home, I can run home after school to get it. I stayed a 10min walk from the school anyway. Moreover, it was my first time, I always submit my work on time. But she didn’t believe me. I can’t remember word by word but she mentioned ‘excuses’, ‘dishonest’ and no. I was just 11 then right? There was also another incident; I remember for life. She was scolding the whole class about some maths questions. Everyone stopped work and look at her which she went crazy scolding the class. I did too. I looked at her, and suddenly she stared at me. I was shocked so I looked away immediately, but I thought, why should I be afraid and look away? Well.. everyone in the class were at fault technically. So I raised my head and looked back at her. Her stare was very scary, so fierce, I tried very hard to maintain the eye contact. Then she said, loudly to the class. ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ without mentioning any name, and in a very fierce tone. I looked away again, I lost.

I was 11 then, I was a band 1 student for maths.

A few unhappy incidents happened again and I started to develop this fear going school. Other than Maths, she also taught my class English and Science. So technically, I almost see her whole day, everyday. I got really scare to go school. I started crying at night, because morning was so near. I can’t sleep at night. I didn’t dare to step out of the house in the morning but I was also didn’t dare to skip school. I pretend to be sick, mc, but it can’t last for long. I don’t dare to tell my parents or my friends. My family knew I don’t dare to go school but I didn’t mention anything about my teacher. They even thought I got targeted by some ‘dirty thing’. I need people to be around me. But both my parents work and my sister was in Polytechnic, so most of the time I was left alone at home. There are times when I got so afraid alone at home, I cried and screamed and collapsed on the floor, I feel like dying, I thought I was going to jump down from the kitchen window. Yes, this was my first panic attack. Nothing happened in the end because I got alright after a while, but I don’t know how long do I actually laid on the floor.

I recovered a few months later, I don’t know how it happened. Maybe I got used to the scary teacher. Then I got posted to another class in Primary 6, and I also changed my form teacher.

The second time was scarier. I lost part of the memories that happened during the incident. I think my brain was rejecting the images, filtering my thoughts.

I was 12 year old then, primary 6. I was going home after my CCA, it was around 5.30pm, sunny day. I was in my uniform, same school bag, carrying my ring file and water bottle. I was reaching my block and I realized someone following me. I didn’t think much that time, but he got too close and made me feel uneasy. At that moment, I just want to go home quickly. So I speeded up, he did too. I should have gone to my usual econ mini mart and tell the uncle, but I was so lost. Instead, I went to the lift, my block, and he hopped in too. I was so afraid that moment, I can just go out of the lift but I didn’t. Just on time, an aunite got into the same lift, I thought I was saved. But that auntie alighted at the 5^th floor when I was going to the 8^th. I got another chance to escape by getting out the lift at 5^th floor, but I didn’t. At that moment, I just want to go home and shut the door, I can’t think anymore.

The lift opened at 8^th. I speeded up, wanting to run out of the lift, but before I can go, he got hold of me from the back. His elbow gripped my neck and the other hand holding a penknift pointing at my face. My memories stopped here, the rest were just bits and pieces. I remembered myself holding my ring file tightly, my water bottle flew away, I got push to the ground, he was much stronger than me, he was fat, dark, white uniform, he wanted to kiss me, he told me I was cute, I tried to get away but I cannot. I shouted for help. I shouted for a long time. No one came. Then finally an auntie heard me and came out of her house, that person then ran away. Nothing happened to me in the end, he didn’t get what he wanted, but I got myself a half fractured arms. I don’t know what I did, I can’t lift up my arm after the incident. Went to the police post and doctor after that.

After the incident, I became to fear human, especially men. I don’t dare to get out of the house alone. I don’t dare to go home after school, so my poor dad had to fetch me everyday. I always thought someone was following me. I don’t wear shorts. I wrapped myself up. I can’t take it when strangers or people I don’t really know got too close to me, even until now. I can’t stay long in an enclose space. I can’t stay still in a dark room, even until now.

Same thing happened, I was always alone at home. I was so afraid at home, I cried, screamed. I thought someone is going to knock down my door and carry me away. I was afraid of that person in white. I thought people were watching me. I collapsed again. I cannot control my emotion, I thought I was going to die, I thought I was going to jump from the kitchen window again. Ya, second panic attack. But I survived through.

In conclusion, there is nothing to learn from this post. I am just using this platform to share my experience. I had never told anyone in details before. Because this makes me feel like a weakling. But I started to use a different point to look at it. I analysed my attacks, so I learn a bit more about myself, my threshold. To better control my emotions. Learn to prevent the 3^rd attacks. This is the growing stages right?