I am feeling sad now. Why? Because I did something wrong at work. A series of thing wrong recently. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am the kind of person who like to find fault on others but will never want anyone to find faults on me. Since young I always do my homework and hand in on time, all the way to my university, although I am never the top students, I never fail to submit any report or do any assignment half-heartedly. I always try my 60% so that I will never regret.
Things change as I start to work and into my second job. I realized this 60% doesn't work anymore! I need more! more and more. My ego get broken into pieces when I know my 60% has made myself making stupid mistakes. I have to put in more, more and more. But instead of becoming motivated, I felt smaller, I just can't solve the problem with myself. I am just praying to turn back time or someone can just solve it for me then I can just restart and do better next time. But this will never never happen.
I don't know why I am so sad. Maybe I am just disappointed to realize I am a 60% kind. I always thought I am a smart girl, not academically, but street smart and creative. Now I really have to admit I am not but just another lazy simple girl. Look at that ukulele that is left untouched for almost a year, I always wanted to learn but I never put in any effort. This is me. It's painful to find out what kind of person I really am, but I am afraid to share with anybody because I don't want any judging or beautiful words on top the table.
I even have the intention to quit just now because I cannot face my failure. Instead of taking it as a lesson, I use it as an excuse to escape. I even took out my resume and started to update. But is this the way? I am ashamed of my weakling side.
This is a post with no meaning at all because my mind is all in a mess and I don't know how to fix it up. I am just pouring everything out. Hope I can form some direction in my next post.
