Something is just Out of Control

I am quite a grow up now, turning 30 in no time. I am confidence to say that I have EQ maybe higher than the average people.

Why?

I would say that because I got the sense to tell when people is piss off with me, or piss off with somebody, or someone is judging me or someone don't get me or I don't get someone. I wouldn't jump into conclusion that you are an bad ass because you don't understand me. Rather, really, I will try to think about the entire situation, is it that something is wrong with me, therefore you cannot understand me? This is also the reason why I tend to be quiet, sometime coupled with weird facial expressions after any 'not so pleasant' conversation.

A lot of people will think that because I'm mad so I am quiet and showing faces. Of cos this is right, who will not feel a little down when got rejected in some ways or another. But rather than just being mad, I will say that I am actually thinking and observing 'what goes wrong?' Very much I will observe the people around me, what kind of people they are, their expressions and most importantly why they reject me or don't understand me.

I got into a situation somehow. When someone told me I can do anything that I think will help, as long as we can hit Plan A. Yup, so feeling very exciting, I do whatever I can to help achieve Plan A. I did, and I think will work. Since first time doing it, it is hard to tell its success rate too. Then turn out to be. "This is not what they want".

So.

Why bother telling me I can do anything I want.

It is disappointing.
Or maybe I got the wrong idea all along. You do not mean 'do anything I want' right from the beginning.
And I am not going to bother what you actually said/mean.

Joy is simple

Happy is not hard. really! I don't know how other people define happy. But I will say... "messaging someone on the phone and suddenly exploded laughing in the middle of a train" this is happy to me "so hungry throughout the day, then so lucky to grab the last pack of chicken rice" this is happy to me "Favourite song on the radio" "Prince charming got ditched by gf *omg he is single again!" "Want to buy contact lens solution from Watson and there is NO QUEUE!" This list will never end. Lets continue this list together...

A post with no conclusion

It is pretty late now in view that tomorrow is still a working day. I just don't like to go bed with a heavy heart, so it explains why I am still here now picking up my super underuse blog instead of watching my Korean dramas.

I am feeling sad now. Why? Because I did something wrong at work. A series of thing wrong recently. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am the kind of person who like to find fault on others but will never want anyone to find faults on me. Since young I always do my homework and hand in on time, all the way to my university, although I am never the top students, I never fail to submit any report or do any assignment half-heartedly. I always try my 60% so that I will never regret. 

Things change as I start to work and into my second job. I realized this 60% doesn't work anymore! I need more! more and more. My ego get broken into pieces when I know my 60% has made myself making stupid mistakes. I have to put in more, more and more. But instead of becoming motivated, I felt smaller, I just can't solve the problem with myself. I am just praying to turn back time or someone can just solve it for me then I can just restart and do better next time. But this will never never happen.  

I don't know why I am so sad. Maybe I am just disappointed to realize I am a 60% kind. I always thought I am a smart girl, not academically, but street smart and creative. Now I really have to admit I am not but just another lazy simple girl. Look at that ukulele that is left untouched for almost a year, I always wanted to learn but I never put in any effort. This is me. It's painful to find out what kind of person I really am, but I am afraid to share with anybody because I don't want any judging or beautiful words on top the table.

I even have the intention to quit just now because I cannot face my failure. Instead of taking it as a lesson, I use it as an excuse to escape. I even took out my resume and started to update. But is this the way? I am ashamed of my weakling side.

This is a post with no meaning at all because my mind is all in a mess and I don't know how to fix it up. I am just pouring everything out. Hope I can form some direction in my next post.